ARKHAM POLICE: To Protect and To Serve

The Campus Crusade for Cthulhu
The People Of Arkham
Arkham Police Dept.
Arkham Fire Dept.
Miskatonic University




We'd like to make sure that your visit to Arkham is pleasant and safe. For this reason, we ask you to observe the following common-sense directions:

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed strange ritual practices in your house ..... move away immediately.

Objects with unknown glyphs or sigils carved or painted on them should on no account be moved or touched.

Don't speak the name of H**TUR aloud, even as a joke.

Never read the NECRONOMICON aloud, even as a joke.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take anything from the dead.

Don't date girls with vestigial scales.

Don't date outside your species.

Don't go to after-dark meetings.

Don't stay in rooms that feel damp, or have wet spots.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, looking more and more like fish, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, Arkham, Innsmouth, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

Unless you are a native, DO NOT eat at the sushi bars.

While the main streets of the city are pleasant enough, the alleys are not a place for the casual traveler. DO NOT take photographs of the local inhabitants, and DO NOT accept invitations to "gatherings" or "meetings" after dark.


Non-humans and aliens must report to the Arkham Police Department within 24 hours of arrival in our city.